How To Get Over A Relationship Breakup
Breakups are difficult and painful, but there’s no way to avoid the risk of heartbreak, rejection, or failure when being vulnerable. So how do we get through a relationship breakup, why do breakups hurt so bad, and how long does it take to get over a breakup? This comes down to neuroscience and feelings of grief.
Why does a breakup hurt so bad?
We are hardwired for connection. So when there’s an ending of any sort, there’s a severed attachment to that person. When that bond is broken, there can be a lost sense of self, fractured trust or security, and feelings of abandonment. There is also the loss of the hopes, plans, and a future you anticipated to have with your ex.
Neuroscience also explains why breakups hurt so much. The regions of our brain that are activated when we experience physical injury are the same parts of our brain that are stimulated when we experience emotional hurt like abandonment. Research shows that when people experience emotional pain, like rejection, the same areas of the brain get activated as when experiencing physical pain. These areas are the anterior insula and the anterior cingulate cortex. Another study compared the similarities between social rejection and physical pain by having people who recently experienced an unwanted breakup view a picture of their ex-partner. The research found using functional MRI, showed that areas associated with components of physical pain (secondary somatosensory coretx; dorsal posterior insula) became active. This does in fact highlight why breakups hurt so bad, because even though it’s emotional, our brains register the emotional pain similar to physical pain.
3 Actionable Steps to Get Over a Relationship Breakup
Seek professional help. Therapists can be found on sites like Psychology Today, Open Path Collective, Therapy Den, or reach out to your local University whose Counselor Education program offers pro bono counseling services, like the Community Counseling and Research Center (CCRC) at the University of Central Florida. This program in particular offers free counseling and therapy sessions to individuals, couples, families, and adolescents to those in their community from graduate students in the mental health counseling, marriage and family therapy, and school counseling programs.
Be around supportive people. Empathetic and understanding people, who reflect your strengths, will help lift your spirits and remind you of your worth and why the relationship ended. Supportive people can also assist in your healing when they are capable of being a witness to your pain. These people can comfort you when you’re hurting after a relationship breakup to help you feel less alone.
Take yourself out on dates. When you get comfortable with being alone, you won’t be afraid of walking away when a relationship is no longer serving you. You won’t let red flags slide and settle for less than you deserve when you have clarity around what you want and don’t want.
What should you not do after a breakup?
After a relationship breakup you might have low self-esteem, feel depressed, or wonder why it’s taking so long to feel better. It’s completely normal to feel confused and sad when you were hopeful about the future with your ex. However, there are healthy ways to manage the pain when you don’t know how long it’ll take to get over the breakup. Adaptive tools to manage the relationship breakup help increase your confidence in your ability to manage life’s challenges. Sometimes, however, people engage in maladaptive tools to try to escape the upsetting feelings after a relationship breakup.
Don’t seek out closure from your ex who already didn’t know how to treat you better. You don’t truly need an ex-partner’s acknowledgment of your pain in order to keep moving forward. And most often, someone who’s caused you pain, isn’t always willing or capable of taking accountability for the hurt they’ve caused. So asking them to see or validate your hurt, can just end up re-wounding you. Closure can come from within, providing yourself the self-validation of knowing that you deserved better.
When people avoid feeling the pain of a breakup they might gravitate towards maladaptive behaviors as distractions like alcohol, impulsive spending, unprotected sex, etc. This is harmful to your wellbeing. Sometimes people jump right into another relationship. If you don’t allow yourself time to reflect and heal before moving on, you’re more likely to let red flags go by, not be true to yourself, or to settle. Don’t prioritize your desire to be chosen over your better judgement of who someone is.
What are the 5 stages of grief after a breakup?
A breakup is a loss and deserves to be grieved just like any other loss. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross introduced the five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. The stages are a reflection of one’s feelings, so you’re likely going to experience them multiple times throughout a day, month, or even just within the hour - our emotions can change frequently, just like the weather.
Denial, after a relationship breakup, can look like someone experiencing disbelief and shock. They might be stalking their ex’s social media, ruminating, or obsessing over their ex in order to still avoid the pain. Someone in the stage of denial, within the stages of grief, might reread old texts or look at old photos. This can feel like you haven’t lost them yet if you’re keeping the idea of the two of you alive or trying to stay connected to them in this way.
Anger shows up when feelings of resentment or unfairness surface. You might feel angry about how your ex mistreated you, or angry towards yourself for staying longer than you wish you had. When denial wears off and you gain clarity around the situation, anger shows up because you’re recognizing the reality of any mistreatment or injustices. You might need an outlet for your fury to help process the situation, such as journaling, therapy, going to a rage room, or talking with friends who can empathize with your pain and help you gain clarity.
Bargaining happens when someone plays scenarios in their mind trying to get a different outcome. This thinking to oneself can sound like, “Well if only we hadn’t gone to that party we would’ve still been together.” “Maybe if we had one more conversation, then things could have been different.” “If they would just let me explain, I promise I’ll be a better partner this time.” Within the bargaining stage of grief, it’s a negotiation of behaviors for a more desired outcome.
Depression sinks in when the person understands there really was a breakup. The individual might become reclusive, avoid social gatherings, or feel disconnected from themselves and others. Maybe they know she should get out of the house, go grocery shopping, be around people, but in the depression stage of grief, engaging with people or their daily tasks feels too overwhelming. They might cry more frequently, have increased blue moods, or question their future when they feel depressed.
Acceptance is when the individual accepts that the relationship is over. Despite any pain and sadness still lingering, they are able to tolerate the pain and heartbreak. They can still function at work, school, and show up in their close relationships. Within this stage of grief: acceptance, someone accepts the truth of the situation and can tolerate when any waves of grief show up without it deterring them away from the present moment. They have come to terms with the reality of their situation and know that they will be okay.
What if I still love them? How do I get over a breakup with someone I still love?
Two things can be true at once. We can love someone and still know that the connection is no longer good for us. You can care for someone and know that being with them no longer moves you towards the life you want to live. Sometimes people also miss what their ex represented to them more than the person themselves. Most people aren’t just all good or all bad. So it’s normal if you’re hung up on the good qualities of this person. It highlights the qualities that matter to you in a partner and your relationship values. After the relationship breakup you might be recognizing now what you want in a partner and what constitutes a healthy or unhealthy dynamic.
It’s important to remember that waiting until you no longer have feelings to move on is not fair to you. The relationship ended for a reason, so if that person or dynamic is no longer right for you, regardless of what the future holds, you have to continue moving forward on your path. Knowing that your needs aren’t being met, regardless of why the other person is unwilling or unable to meet your needs, and that you deserve more, is enough of a reason to move forward. Sometimes closure comes from knowing your own self-worth.
How long does it take to get over a breakup?
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, M.D., a Swiss-born psychiatrist, and the author of “On Death and Dying: What the Dying Have to Teach Doctors, Nurses, Clergy and Their Own Families” explored the stages of grief, laying the foundation and framework for the structure of bereavement today.
Traditionally, people might think the stages of grief are limited to only death experiences, and that you must go through all five stage of grief in that exact order, but that’s a misconception. When there’s a change in someone’s life, any type of change, that change breeds loss, and loss triggers grief. Even CNN recognizes that people who are grieving can use the stages of grief to help them process loss, in whatever order they’re experiencing the stages of grief. Because ultimately, if you’re in distress and pain from grief, there’s no one right way to grieve, you just want help and relief.
In order to get over a relationship breakup you have to let yourself grieve. And there’s no timeline for grieving. See if you can let go of any expectations you might have surrounding how you think you should be grieving, or if you think you should just be over it by now. Instead, allow yourself to be with however and whenever that sadness and grief shows up for you.
How do I stop overthinking after a breakup?
Overthinking tends to happen because you’re avoiding the grief and pain of the loss after a relationship breakup. Our brains and bodies, naturally, don’t like endings. So someone might be holding on, or ruminating after a breakup, as a way to try to soothe themselves by avoiding the pain. But this avoidance is really a denial of the loss. In order for the overthinking or obsessing and rumination after a breakup to end, you have to let in the pain. You have to let yourself grieve. You might not want to accept the pain that it’s over, but acceptance doesn’t mean there isn’t also any pain and sadness. You have to feel in order to process the situation, otherwise you’re numbing.
Don’t ever forget that your vulnerability is a strength that should be commended. It might take a few thoughtful tries until you find your person, but don’t let heartbreak discourage you from continuing to put yourself out there. In order to feel no pain we’d have to take away all your love. And your love is a reminder that you’re alive. All of the love that you're capable of giving and receiving is a possibility for the healthy, loving relationship you’re on the path to finding.
Here are some additional resources to assist you in your breakup.
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